count = 113

okay... so i've had another of my slip-away-and-fall-off-the-face-of-the-virtual-world abscence... sorry.

things have been hectic, to say the least.

i'm sure many of you will have noticed that i did it...

i have gotten past the arduous task of 100 days. no cutting. absolutely no fucking cutting. i'm happy about it. even better was the fact that i got to celebrate it on the 4th of july... seriously. fireworks for my 100th day. AND judy bought me a cake. a cake with strawberries... and i stuck a big knife in it and took pictures. once i hunt down my camera cord, i'll have to put those up here.

speaking of judy...

i got into a big argument with my parents and left home. it's been about a month and a half now

many things have happened- some of which i have chronicled in my facebook entries... which i'm going to be lazy and copy and paste here...

the rest i'll have to chronicle later... i have to babysit anna and abby (anna's five, and abby's a year and a half- they're judy's )

here goes:

hoboism + change
Friday, June 6, 2008 at 1:58am | Edit Note | Delete

for those of you who don't know, i left home on monday night after getting into it with my parents. i just got tired of the bullshit... i don't want to go into what the argument was about- it's stupid and not worth the reading, anyway.

i've been crashing with a friend of mine from work, although tonight i'm at jess' place of residence. i'm in her bed. woot

i feel bad for pushing her out of it

it was hard to leave... really surprisingly hard. i was upset as hell. and phlegmy. and teary-eyed to the max. but i've calmed for the most part... the only thing upsetting me now is i don't actually want to go home

i'm not sure what's going to happen. and i really feel like it's kind of out of my control. i'm just kind of floating, existing..... with no real aim toward anything in particular. an aimless life.

i like being gone from home. i've been calmer. well, when i stop agonizing over what i'm going to do, anyway. i don't feel pressured, or stressed like i do at home. but can thiis state i'm in stay around? is it maintainable? i did tell my parents this would be temporary. because i know they need my help with steven. and i don't want to leave them out on a limb with no arrangements made. that WOULD be shitty of me. but........ i talked to my dad today on the phone for the first time since i left, and he doesn't seem too enthused about my possible homecoming. so maybe i should just stay out. it was bound to happen, anyway. i am content with my decision to leave. i would not change what i did. i am proud i finally did do it- it should've been done a long time ago.

but

to anyone who reads this, i would like to know what you think about the situation i have plunked myself into. should i go back, honor my word, and all that good stuff? or should i just stay out while i can?

i can't help feeling that things will not change. oh, sure, at first it's probable that things would be better.... but i know it'll all go back to the way it was, the way it has been for god only knows how long. and i'm apprehensive about the prospect of having to deal with that. i can see my mom getting pissed off and throwing this in my face. when i was leaving, she said "so you're running away from the problem?" so, that just counts as evidence to support my theory- this will be flung right back at me at some point in time. and i don't think that is right. because by leaving, i was trying to do everyone a favor. all we do is argue. and most of the time, i'm somehow involved in said arguing... it's not fair to anyone there- not me, or my brothers, particularly... they shouldn't have to listen to that shit. my hope was that things would cool off, calm down, or something of that nature.

which is not to say that my leaving was some sort of martyr-ish move. i was looking out for me as well. i am trying to recover. and in order to do that, certain changes have to be made. and one of them is the whole family dynamic. it is only going to hinder me if i cannot leave behind all the hurt that has gone on.

so i left.

the question is..... how long can i stay gone?

and if i can find a way to work this out so that i don't go back..... should i do it? it is a very tough decision.

any thoughts someone may have are welcome.

because it seems like one of those leery "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenarios i love to hate

i guess maybe i should update ali... she would give me good advice. she's good for that. i have the most wonderful friends.

speaking of- to any of you that have helped me in any way over the past few days: thank you. i love you and i appreciate your help in these strange, troubled times.

one more thing.

i have a weird sense of slowly growing faith. i've attempted to pray a few times now. and it calms me. i feel better afterward... i don't really know how to pray, so that's why i used the word "attempted"... i just wanted to share that. i see it as a bit of personal growth. and right now, i NEED to see the positives.

but... i am hoping that this will be able to be worked out...

really really hoping.

poverty + my favorite jeans
Monday, June 30, 2008 at 10:48pm | Edit Note | Delete

i miss my favorite jeans. we did laundry today at the laundrimat (sp?), and it made me realize... having like 6 outfits is not cool. NOT COOL. and then i have to re-wear things to the point where i think the clothes are going to get up and start walking by themselves... >.< such is hoboism. i especially miss my favorite jeans, though. for some reason, i just really want something to hug my ass the fantabulous way only they can. sorry, but there are no other words to describe said jeans. they make the booty of tara a wonder to behold. and they're comfy. go figure.

i'm really poor, and i think i really need to get a second job. to those of you who have heard this coming out of my mouth for a week or so now... i was kind of in the pondering stages of it. there was no intent of any real action. but now....... i am so poor. and i want to get a second job. scratch that- i NEED a second job. to pay off moraine (yes, i owe them money still), and to support myself in general. getting a second job is going to blow.........

but being on my own and all makes me realize more than ever: i need to do SOMETHING.

or perish

something like that

i want to get a tattoo. i know what i want, too. if you've seen mulan, this'll make sense to you. there's a part toward the end of the song "reflection" when she wipes off half of her makeup. i want that. it would symbolize a lot of things for me. dual nature, and all that good stuff. because i think we all have two sides to us. (at least two sides, anyway...) does that make sense?

but that is what i want.

and since i am scared shitless of needles, and that is kind of elaborate for a first tattoo anyway- i have a smaller one that i want to get to break me in. again, it will make sense if you've seen mulan. i want the final admonition on my wrist. (in the chinese characters, of course) i am not a nerd. not at all......

>.<

and i miss my bike. i feel like a fatass lump because i don't ride my bike anymore. ick

my leg is falling asleep. i'm going to have to cut this short. shit.

>.<

stay tuned, peoples...

there is always more to come...........

my purty dress + far too much time on my hands...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008 at 3:12pm | Edit Note | Delete

so, as some of you may know... i had a crazy-ass work week last week... i ended up working ten days in a row with no off days... and was expecting a lovely paycheck for all of it

well, no

they took a shift from me on sunday to prevent me from getting overtime...

and then they cut my hours for THIS week, even though overtime has no effect from one week to the next. so, our scheduling manager is a dipshit.

and i have far too many days off this week

so i'm bored as hell.

friday night, i went drinking with lizzie, ali, and daniel. kevin threw some party thing like he always does, so we went and had a fucking blast. the only thing that went wrong was the alcohol went to me way too quickly. i'm going to let you kiddies in on a secret... if you're a freak and you don't eat for like 6 days in a row- DO NOT go drinking. that's just stupid. i should have known better... but at least i learned that lesson (when i got sick that night and couldn't walk straight for the life of me). yeah... it's not fun. eat food like a normal person- THEN you're fine to drink.

i'm just an idiot like that.

>.<

judy was not pleased, either... she banned me from hanging with liz

which is funny as hell to me, because it's not liz's fault i like to get smashed off my ass

on sunday, lizzie and i went shopping for a dress for me to wear on the tacs field trip that'll hopefully be soon. i was super pumped about it, too- and i don't get like that over dresses. but i was so happy to find just the dress that i wanted- and on sale!!! 25% off, bitches! and then... liz found the perfect shoes for it! and jewelery! ladies and gentlemen- i have the perfect shopping lizzie!

after the whole shopping trip, we went back to liz's house to eat (and so she could perform surgery on her new headband O.O) then, we went for a walk to this park a little ways from her house. it was so nice to get to talk to liz like that. we don't really ever hang out alone- so we did serious bonding time...

"it hooked my drink, and got me in the face!"

ha ha ha ha

that same day, jess and dan had car troubles. >.< poor jessi locked her keys in her car, and had to leave it at work for most of the night...

and dan hit a "really big rock" on his way to join liz and i (needless to say, he ended up not joining us). apparently he broke something on the underside of the car. poor daniel, daniel's car, and daniel's pride...

and then, on monday, (aka- yesterday), liz and i went up to moraine. i had to go so i could pay them their money, and liz went to visit. so, now, things are in motion! i am a debt-free tara!!!

woot.

then we picked up jessi, and went to the mac for a few.

the only thing i have to look forward to this week is on friday. hopefully a bunch of us can go walking down oak park avenue at night. for some reason, i've always wanted to it just seems like fun, and liz had the idea to sit on each bench (they have the coolest designed benches) and take pictures.

which reminds me: i need to make sure i look in sean's car soon so i can find my cord and case for my camera- i have pictures to share!

AND... to anyone that was going to go on the oak park excursion- i totally forgot that i do have to work a THREE HOUR SHIFT........... (excuse my frustration) 6-9. although, at this point, i'm thinking it's not even worth it and i'll just call off. three hours is not worth my time, i'm sorry... that's shorter than a fuckin' newbie shift.

whatever

but, if i did show up and work, would that be alright, guys? 9 o'clock is definitely still classified as nighttime...

god, this is a long note... whoever can actually get through all of this, i salute you *salutes*

i have a few things i'm going to go off and do in the next few minutes or so

- eat (haven't done that yet today, and it's 3) >.<

- smoke (if you can believe it, i haven't done this today yet, either O.O)

- call katy (the last time i talked to her, i was a little.... out of it )

- maybe go running... that would be fun

- go with pookie to the att store to get a texting plan (because i need one)

peace out, foo's

everyone have a lovely day

*******

one more thing- i'm slowly working towards becoming active on here again... i'm going to slog away at my 2,000+ devs i haven't yet looked at...

but i will be getting back on here...

i've missed it

i just remembered i forgot to paste all the links and avatars and shit i usually have at the bottom.

fuck it

there's always next time

and i'll try and make that sooner rather than later

love love to all

please leave me comments if you read this... i want to get back in touch with you guys